Why you need copy editors and proofreaders… and regarding ads

It is much easier to spot someone else’s errors because your brain will not as easily assume what the author meant to write. I do try to check my posts, but sometimes things will get by me and I do not have a proofreader. So, please show mercy if you see an error. Just make a note in the comments section and I will fix it.

This former copy editor and proofreader thanks you for your understanding.

By the way, I know there are ads showing on my blog. I have no control over them or over their content.

Grief Group

I started attending a grief group recently. It has been a long time coming. I looked for one before, but for some reason, this one just was not showing up on my radar. It really is all about Creator’s timing.

Over two decades ago I received a chunk of memory recall. I needed the information in order to keep my son and myself safe. That also meant I needed to not end up in the hospital decompressing from the recall, which would have happened had I gotten the emotional side of the memories at the same time. I did get some of the emotions, but only enough to provide extra validation to the visual memories that I received.

I didn’t know how long it would take, but I knew the emotions were going to have to come up at some point in time. My life since that recall has been an up and down ride. I have seen times of supernaturally provided safety. I have gone through many challenging things, including outright spiritual attacks. I have tangled with therapists who turned out to be cult infiltrators. I’ve moved across the country, been impersonated online (causing me to be blamed for attempted harm to women I love) and kicked out of survivor support forum. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

My life for the last four years has been settling down. I still have challenges. I mean, seriously, what is life without challenges, right? But I’m in a good place overall. I am handling the challenges that are in front of me and, I think, I’m doing pretty well at it. That means I’m in a safe enough place for the emotions to start coming up. Over the past three to six months, I have noticed an uptick in my emotions when there was no in the moment discernible cause for it and that’s what led me to look for a grief group again.

I didn’t really know what to expect regarding this grief group. I talked to the head facilitator prior and explained how I was looking for a grief group that was more general in focus. Most grief groups are specific as in, loss of a spouse or loss of a child. But I’ve got a whole lifetime of losses to deal with. Losses of things that were and losses of things that could have been. Losses of people and of places. All that is separate from these emotions coming up and, yet, also very intertwined with them.

For example, I lost my childhood due to the very events I recalled two decades ago, the very events for which the emotions are starting to come up. So there are the emotions tied to the memories I need to deal with, but also the loss of a childhood because of those events. I can give other examples, but you get the idea.

I didn’t tell the facilitator a whole lot, but we did discuss enough to where we both felt this would be a good thing for me to attend. I like that this group is based on the Bible and does refer to scripture. I like that everyone in the group is dealing with a loss of some kind. The people in the videos we watch are across the spectrum of life and have many different kinds of losses, but they all speak from the experience of real loss. They’re not experts about loss; they’re experts in loss.

The first night I went, we were all introducing ourselves and explaining why we were there. For each one it was the loss, or multiple losses, of a loved one. When it got to me, I just explained that I truly believe God was bringing me to that group, but that I really didn’t know what was going to happen. I shared that I was grieving a whole lifetime of losses of various kinds and that I didn’t know what was going to come up. They accepted that!

I was very surprised when, during that first meeting, I found myself actually getting teary and sharing little bits and pieces of what I was grieving. Of course I didn’t share anything that would shock the sensibilities of the people in the group. There are a lot of little old ladies grieving the loss of their spouses and the kinds of things I have been through are probably so far off their radar, it would have been inappropriate. But I was able to share enough about myself and my life, little bits and pieces. And after the meeting I was approached by a woman who really wanted to make sure I knew I was welcome there and that I belong there and that I should definitely come back. I was able to open up a bit more explicitly, but still circumspectly, with her and a couple other ladies. That, in itself, was so healing and so amazing to me.

I’ve been to a total of four meetings so far. Each one has built on the previous meetings. Each one has had special experiences for me. The last one is the only one I didn’t get emotional in.

The next meeting would have been on a holiday so they moved it to the day after, which is really hard for me because I have a board meeting that night. It’s not that I mind missing the board meeting, but it’s going to be a special meeting. Nonetheless, I’ve already let them know I will not be at the board meeting. The board meetings are ongoing twice a month. This grief group runs 13 weeks and I don’t want to miss even one week. It means that much to me. So hubby is going to drop me off at the grief group, go to the board meeting, and then come back and pick me up.

Because the meetings are so far away from home, ideally I should leave right away to try and get home before dark. However, I have found the fellowship after the meeting to be maybe even more important than the meeting itself. There is a couple there I have been able to open up to in greater detail, again, being circumspect and respectful of their own sensibilities and the fact that they are grieving their own losses. I don’t trust easily, but I just keep sensing that G-D’s hand is in all of this. So I’m being brave and daring, once again, to trust and open up. There hasn’t been much opportunity for that since moving here and attempts to do so have had mixed results.

I know it probably sounds really weird, but I really look forward to going to grief group. I care about the people in the group. When I think about it, I pray for them to be comforted in their losses. Some of them need physical healing, too. Or their loved ones need physical healing. I don’t keep a list; I’ve never done well with lists. But I do pray as the Spirit puts them on my heart to do so. And it helps me stay out of myself. That grief group is not all about me. It’s about all of us together, walking this grief journey and supporting one another through it. So I’m trying to find ways to support others.

Only time will tell as far as what all comes out of this group. I may, or may not have found an open-minded pastor with which to process some of this stuff coming up. He is praying about it. But this I know: Creator’s hand is in all of this. If this pastor is not the one for me to process with, then He will provide someone else or, possibly, be my only Counselor. He has given me so many insights over the years. I know I can rely on Him and trust Him.

Hitting a Wall…

I hit a wall a few weeks ago…and it feels soooooo good! Good? Yes, good! Let me explain.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I tend to leave off the D because it does not run my life, although it does interfere with it at times. While PTSD can come into a person’s life at any time, CPTSD is rooted in repetitive traumas almost always from early childhood. I almost think they should call it Childhood PTSD, but that would make it seem like you can outgrow it, which you cannot. PTSD can go away if treated properly. CPTSD never really goes away. It just becomes manageable if treated properly.

I hate to be a bother/nuisance/inconvenience, etc., so I have worked very hard to hide the effects of my CPTSD. It is not that I hide having it; I am actually pretty open about that. I just hide how it impacts my life and that takes a lot of energy. I cannot help but wonder how much of my physical condition is due to (or contributed to) that energy drain. Is it any wonder I feel “tired”?

Well, a few weeks ago, I hit the wall. I was trying to deal with something online that was not working and a sizeable amount of money was at stake. My CPTSD was raging and I was trying not to lose it. My hubby said to just let it go if it was too much. The money is not worth it. While that is commendable of him, it was not what I needed to hear. I don’t want my life to be controlled by this!

I made it through what I needed to do (although I am still stymied by one last step even now), took a deep breath and went to talk with him. I could not help it; the words came pouring out. I wasn’t angry, but I was finally telling him what was going on inside of me and what I truly needed from him. I was no longer hiding the effects of the CPTSD. I couldn’t!

I had hit a wall and the wall came down. I have no longer been spending the energy to hide it from him…to protect him from my “stuff”. He is, of course, totally on board with that. He loves me and is here for me. We are both finally at a stage in our lives where I can allow him to do that and he is actually able to do that. We have had to fight many personal battles within ourselves for us to each get to this point. And it is amazing and wonderful!

I have been taking something to see if it will cleanse my body of EBV. This stuff is on record, lab verified to have removed HIV. So, I figure I have nothing to lose. Neither HIV or EBV is supposed to ever be able to be removed from the body once you have them. If it removed one, maybe it will remove the other.

I have not been able to get lab verification, yet. I do know recent labs show its presence. Every time you have a flareup, there is a number that goes up. I need to find out the name for that number. Then I need to see what the previous number was to see if I can see any changes. Of course, that number has probably gone up since the previous test, so even if it is going down, it may not have gone down to below that number. But, at least I now have a new baseline going on from here and I know it is not gone…yet.

I am hopeful. The last few months have been a bit stressful. Not in a bad way, but stressful nonetheless. Yet, I have not been knocked flat. The tiredness I have felt has been more in line with “normalcy”. I am in my 60’s and not very physically fit. I have been very busy with life and taking courses and becoming certified (CAPRC1) and working part time. I have felt grief bubbling up (more on that in the next post). Yet, I have not crashed.

Is it the health protocol? Is it no longer hiding? I think it is both. I am hopeful and I am going to keep taking it and keep being transparent. In a few months, I plan to get retested. In the meantime, I am going to see if I can find the old labs and figure out what number it is that always goes up with each flareup. Stay tuned!

The medical profession has a lot for which to answer…

I know what I’m about to write will be very unpopular among many, but it needs to be said. The medical profession has allowed itself to be torn into two camps and that has led to serious harms, and even deaths, to the very people they want to help.

Both camps want their patients to get well and be healthy. Where they diverge is in the methodology. One camp relies heavily on nutrition and working with the body’s built-in immune system to prevent illness and aid healing when there is illness. The other camp relies more heavily on pharmacology. One sees food as a medicine and a key to being healthy. The other, while advocating “healthy” eating, doesn’t really study enough to define what that means outside of the lab. Their main method of healing is pharmacology.

Every doctor I’ve asked has told me they spent less than one day out of all those years in medical school on nutrition, or at best a few days. And primarily, it’s about whether mothers should breastfeed or bottle feed. Yet, how can we deny that what we put in our bodies is going to make a big difference in how our bodies operate and how well they function? If we don’t fuel them properly, can we really expect them to be healthy and running well?

So why is this? How did we get to this point? Well, one has to look back at what happened to the medical schools. It used to be medical schools taught about nutrition and natural medicines and manipulation of the musculoskeletal system. But then something happened.

The pharmacology industry started to grow and, like any good businessman, the ones who own those companies were looking at how they could promote their products and make more money. So they targeted the medical schools. They offered them all kinds of grants and monetary support if they would allow one of their people to be on their boards. This was the beginning of the slippery slope. (No, I am not citing sources, but this information is readily available for those who actually want to search it out and take a look at it.)

One board member became two board members became three board members. Inevitably, those board members started to work on the other board members to bring about a greater emphasis on the wonders of pharmacology. As pharmacology came more to the forefront, other methods of health and healing started to be shoved to the side…methods that did not net greater profit. The schools that would not comply with this new direction either lost funding or never got funding in the first place.

As pharmacology became more and more powerful, they got into licensing and accreditation. They were able to start influencing those bodies to limit accreditation and licensing to those schools that follow the pharmacology model. One by one, schools that had existed for a very long time either converted or got shut down. And what we see today is the result of that.

Emphasizing pharmacology over natural healing has brought us to where we are now. We now promote lifestyles that assault the immune system and encourage ill health. We do not address the problems with our food or water supply. We do not address the modifications of our food, the way we grow it with chemicals, the way we pick it green before it actually has its full nutritional value, and we don’t address the whole processed foods industry. By the way, look it up. Who is at the top of the food industry and who is at the top of the food chain of the pharmacology industry? Who is the largest private owner of farmland? I guarantee you the results are very interesting.

Allowing that division has led to money being the number one goal rather than health. Granted, that is not the case for most doctors, but it is the case for those in control of education, research and licensing. Promoting a good clean food and water supply and proper eating doesn’t make someone money. You cannot put a patent on good healthy eating and living. But you can put a patent on man-made medicines and on food that requires genetically modified seed.

Since this whole process started many decades ago, the average doctor going through medical school, unless he’s actually studied the history of medicine, is pretty much unaware of all this or only sees it as a sidebar and really not something of primary importance. And we, the American people, are paying the price. And not just us; it’s actually a worldwide issue.

There have always been those in the medical profession who are aware of this. They have been trying to warn us for decades, but big pharma has a lot of money and they keep squelching their voices, calling them quacks. Now, I’m not saying every methodology out there is legitimate, not at all. But there are a lot that are and there are studies to back a lot of that up, but those studies get squelched, too. Or, when there’s enough empirical evidence to make it clear that a study should be done, it’s refused. This division and the silencing of all voices who do not tow the big pharma line has been harming people, leading many to death.

There are many, many voices pointing out the dangers of what is going on and speaking out about this. They are also speaking out about how easy it is to treat the very condition for which this experimental gene therapy is being promoted. In addition, it has been proven the numbers of people who supposedly died from this illness have been drastically doctored. And some other sicknesses have almost disappeared! Even the CDC has admitted many of the deaths attributed to Covid are actually from other causes.

Now we are at the ultimate precipice where we are using an experimental gene therapy in the so-called Covid “vaccine” (which has been attempted for over 10 years and failed every time, resulting in the deaths of the animals in all the trials) and trying to mandate everyone take it. There is a reason even quite a few medical personnel are refusing to take it.

Yet, we are told if we don’t submit to taking it, we can’t go shopping, we can’t travel, we can’t gather with our loved ones. And people are raking in the money…and the control of every aspect of people’s lives. Who they can see, where (and if) they can gather, whether they can go shopping or travel. Vaccine passports? For something with a verified 99.8% survival rate and easily treated a multiple of ways? This is getting reminiscent of Communist countries and reminds me of Nazi Germany. “Papers, please!” Is this really what we want?

For decades, doctors attending medical school have allowed themselves to be locked inside a box of pharmacology methodology. They were content with believing what they were taught was “science” and “good medicine”. They trusted those who were feeding them information. Those who have pushed outside the box are sidelined and ostracized. I do not believe doctors mean ill. They truly want their patients to get well. But allowing themselves to be locked into this illogical box has resulted in the harm and deaths of many. And now we are going to see the ultimate end result of that.

I hope and pray we wake up before it gets any worse. Millions of people have already been experimented on and I don’t know that there’s any way to undo it. Everything I’m hearing, indicates it’s irreversible. We are seeing a repeat in people to what happened to the animals in prior trials. (They skipped the animal trials this go round. Does that sound like good science to you?)

The animals in the trials of the previous attempts at using gene therapy had their immune systems seriously compromised by the gene therapy. It left them very vulnerable to the wild version of the virus and, in fact, to every other thing their immune systems got hit with. Ask yourself why there are SO many adverse reactions, including deaths, to people after taking this gene therapy? Also ask why you have to really dig to get the real data on this? Why is it being hidden? Why are they not telling everyone it is not a traditional vaccine, but is actually experimental gene manipulation?

They say the harm and the numbers pf deaths are not coming from this so-called “vaccine”. Yet, there are many, many doctors and medical experts out there (and even some experts who make vaccines) who have been warning us of these exact types of things potentially happening. How is it they could warn us about these things and, now that it’s happening, it’s not the vaccine?

I hope this is a wake-up call to everyone in the medical profession to start thinking outside the box, to start looking more favorably at their brothers and sisters who are promoting alternative ways of health and healing, and to start taking them more seriously. I hope they will start thinking logically.

What we are seeing will result in a form of genocide on the human race. It’s that serious! Sadly, there is a lot of evidence (again, you have to be willing to dig for it) to indicate this is intentional. I base this on public statements made by the people involved who have stated their goals are to reduce the population of the world and that “vaccines are the key”…Bill Gates’ own words.

It is said power corrupts and total power corrupts totally. We also know greed corrupts. We are seeing greed and power converge at the top of the systems over our world. And the result is not pretty!

One quick example of total power totally corrupting is China. In China they use slave labor, they harvest organs from living people without anesthetic, and they target people who don’t tow the party line. A quick study of China will reveal many such horrors. Is that where we are heading?

And to all the brave nurses and other medical personnel out there who are refusing to continue to give the vaccines because of the harm they’re seeing take place to the vaccinated, thank you! I hope others in your profession will also wake up and stand up!

The Leaven of the Heart

With Pesach/Passover fast approaching, my thoughts are turning toward leaven. I know everything Creator has us do is not just a physical action. There is a spiritual application in it as well.

I can remove the leaven from my home, but what good is that if I ignore the leaven in my heart? Have I worked hard at removing my poor attitudes? My laziness? My judgmentalism? My pride? If I take the time to really focus on the leaven of my heart, I know I can come up with a rather lengthy list of things that really need to change in me…things that need to be removed. What about all of those?

In our home, we cannot remove all the leaven. I wish we could, but our living situation and hubby’s health do not permit it. Without that physical object lesson it can be easier to ignore the spiritual implications. While I have an excuse for the house, what excuse do I have for not removing the leaven of my heart? That’s correct. None!

There are two steps to this. One is finding/identifying it. The other is removing it. When it comes to my heart, I have to take the time to really examine myself. But I like to hide myself from myself. So, I need the loving, firm hand of my heavenly Abba/Father to help me find it. I need the Light of His Ruach HaKodesh to shine into those dark corners and hidden places in my heart to expose the leaven. Will I submit to that process? Will I truly give Him permission to, as King David wrote, test me and try me and see if there is anything wicked or displeasing to Him in me?

Once I identify it, I need to remove it. This is where it gets even more challenging. I can do my part, but I am merely human. I cannot remove all this heart leaven. I need help…a LOT of help. If I have not been humbled enough by the heart leaven I have found, I will be humbled even more by the fact that I am actually powerless to remove it!

I can do my part. I can take steps…wise steps…to change my behaviours and my thinking. The thinking is really key. If my thoughts are not lined up with Creator’s thoughts, I am not going to get very far in this process. I need to line my thoughts up with His Word…both written and living. I need to look to the example of Yeshua who is the Living Word and who showed us how to walk in Creator’s written Word.

I need to change my actions where I can. I need to choose to surrender my attitudes to Him. I need to choose to be obedient and to give Him permission to change me. Only Creator, who knows me intimately, can truly change me from the inside out. I must rely upon His help. It is imperative.

So, as this season of Pesach and the Feast of Unleavened Bread is upon us, I will do my best to clean out the leaven my hubby cannot eat. But my main focus will be on the leaven of my heart. I will surrender to the process of allowing Creator to clean my heart.

How about you? What needs cleaning out of your heart? You don’t have to tell me (unless you want to). I am asking to encourage you…to challenge you…to take a deep dive into your heart, to ask Creator to help you, and to allow Him to help you do what is needed to remove that heart leaven.

Churning emotions…

Here I sit, the emotions churning in my gut and welling up inside of me. Why? I can only guess. But I think I am a pretty good guesser. I wrote previously (elswhere) asking the question, “When do we get to grieve?” So many losses, but survival came first. So, grieving was not safe.

I can live as a survivor. I’ve done it for over 60 years. I have managed, by the grace of G-D, to keep it together and not “lose it” entirely. I have cried my share of tears while usually hiding them. No one can see. It’s not allowed. I got so used to shutting it all down, it is difficult to allow myself to show that vulnerability to anyone. And, yes, that includes my hubby, even though he gives me no reason to hide it. He loves me and he cares.

I have always known the emotions from the memory recall had to eventually hit. It will be 20 years in just a few more months. Massive visuals and very little emotions. Where are the emotions? They don’t just disappear.

No, they would hide for awhile and then try to sneak out when they thought I was not looking. And they were correct. I wasn’t. That is why I used to get blindsided, slammed as the emotions seemed to flood me from out of nowhere. Except… it isn’t nowhere. It is deep inside in the depths of my soul.

But I got used to it. I learned how to sense it coming on and would try to distract myself from it. I was partially successful. But distractions only push off the inevitable. Sooner or later, the pain will come and my body will be wracked with emotions that are trying to come through the crack in the dam I have built up for my own protection. When you are surrounded by enemies, especially ones who want your child, there is no time to grieve.

Even here, where I live now, there are enemies around me. I have to trust G-D. He has sent his angels (seen by someone else) to protect me in the past. He has led me through dangers more than once. This is no different. I must keep my eyes on Him, my ears tuned to His voice. I do not want a repeat of what happened not long after we moved here.

So, is there ever a truly safe time and place to grieve? Yes! I believe so. I believe our minds are fearfully and wonderfully made and they protect us, hiding the overwhelming horror until we are safe enough to look at it. And G-D’s Spirit, I believe, guides and directs. He brings the people, the knowledge, the hints and clues to my past at just the right times when I am ready for them.

So, I await the grief. And when it comes, I will do my best to embrace the grief, knowing it will not last forever. I will fight to not shut it down. I will fight to allow myself to become vulnerable once again, as I was created to be.

When Storms Hit

This is what is left of our creek crossing after a recent storm dumped almost 4 inches of rain within 12 hours on top of the snow melt. It is completely gone. Four pipes blew out and went downstream.

There is one of the four pipes on our neighbor’s property. Two more of them were on the other end of his property, but he was able to bring them back to us with his tractor.

This is some of the remains of some of Dave’s previous work on it.

It used to go straight across. That is one of the problems. The guy who put the crossing in should have made it with a dip since we did not have big enough pipes to handle this kind of water. It acted like a dam with a huge amount of pressure on it.

This may give a better feel of the drop off. It use to go straight across.

We found our fourth pipe on the property two neighbors down. I only have a video of it, not a pic and I cannot upload a video here without a premium site. We have an idea of how much force that pipe took. It has a dent in the middle of it. We don’t have that one back, yet. We are hoping he can get it with our truck after the ground dries a bit.

The night the rain fell, as Dave was laying in bed, he felt G-D tell him He was going to turn this to good. Dave had a peace, not knowing what we were going to find the next morning. Worry wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. So, we are doing what we can and awaiting the good that is to come.

Thankfully, he was able to get the creek so that we can drive the truck through it when the water is not as high as it is in these photos. Talk about G-D’s provision, we were able to buy a truck just a few months ago. Without it, we would not be able to drive off the property. My car certainly won’t get across.

So, this is added to the list of miracles we need taken care of. He will provide. We will continue to do our part and trust Him to lead us and guide us.

Thoughts on Remembering

Last night, I found myself lying awake… remembering. Bits and pieces, flashes peaking around the corners of my mind. There was not a big emotional hit, but some silent tears did eventually slip down my cheek. Not many… just enough to know there is something in there, something in the bits and pieces sliding in from the ragged edges. There is, once again, confirmation.

What was the trigger? I think I know, but it really does not matter. Life is full of triggers. What is important to me is how I handle them when they come. Sometimes, I try to redirect my thoughts to something else. When that does not work, or if the bits and pieces persist in floating through and grabbing my attention, I just allow my mind to look at them and see what is going to happen.

I am so successful at dissociating my emotions from the images it is automatic. It’s always been that way. The times when the emotions connect with the images, has been pretty rough. But it is rare. On the one hand, it does allow me a certain amount of freedom to “explore”. On the other hand, it tells me there is a dam holding it all back. I don’t only have traumatic amnesia regarding the memories as a whole, I also have a wall of “amnesia” when it comes to the emotions associated with the memories I do have.

Sometimes, the emotions slip out and I have no context for them. Thankfully, that is not often, just as the visual flashes are not often. There are times when it is more frequent. It could happen around dates, events or just seeing/hearing something that reminds me of my history… whether consciously or unconsciously.

At some point, I fully expect some things to come together and gel into something coherent. That coherency may rock me in the moment as it sometimes has in the past. Or I may dissociate it away. But dissociation, while helpful in the moment, only puts off the inevitable.

I am real. My history is real. I own it all… the horror, the pain, the suffering, all the actions done to me and by me, all of it. I own it, but it is not who I am. And I refuse to feel guilt for things I was forced, trained or programmed to do. The perps own the guilt for that. Sadly, in the world in which I grew up (if you can even call it “growing up”), the perps were victims, too. And their victims often become perps of some kind. And so it goes, generation after generation until someone gets the help to be strong enough to say it is the end of the line.

One of the saddest things is when children are forced to be perpetrators. Even though they are forced, whether physically or with threat of serious harm to themselves or someone they love, they grow up feeling like they are perpetrators. It takes a lot to heal from such things and I am not sure we ever completely do in this life.

So, I remind myself this is NOT my true Home. Do I long to go Home? Sure… often. Do I long to go Home now? At times. But that is not a decision for me to make. So long as I have breath, I have a reason to be here, even if I cannot see it in the moment. I know from experience, the reason will become known. I just have to wait for it.