I hit a wall a few weeks ago…and it feels soooooo good! Good? Yes, good! Let me explain.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I tend to leave off the D because it does not run my life, although it does interfere with it at times. While PTSD can come into a person’s life at any time, CPTSD is rooted in repetitive traumas almost always from early childhood. I almost think they should call it Childhood PTSD, but that would make it seem like you can outgrow it, which you cannot. PTSD can go away if treated properly. CPTSD never really goes away. It just becomes manageable if treated properly.
I hate to be a bother/nuisance/inconvenience, etc., so I have worked very hard to hide the effects of my CPTSD. It is not that I hide having it; I am actually pretty open about that. I just hide how it impacts my life and that takes a lot of energy. I cannot help but wonder how much of my physical condition is due to (or contributed to) that energy drain. Is it any wonder I feel “tired”?
Well, a few weeks ago, I hit the wall. I was trying to deal with something online that was not working and a sizeable amount of money was at stake. My CPTSD was raging and I was trying not to lose it. My hubby said to just let it go if it was too much. The money is not worth it. While that is commendable of him, it was not what I needed to hear. I don’t want my life to be controlled by this!
I made it through what I needed to do (although I am still stymied by one last step even now), took a deep breath and went to talk with him. I could not help it; the words came pouring out. I wasn’t angry, but I was finally telling him what was going on inside of me and what I truly needed from him. I was no longer hiding the effects of the CPTSD. I couldn’t!
I had hit a wall and the wall came down. I have no longer been spending the energy to hide it from him…to protect him from my “stuff”. He is, of course, totally on board with that. He loves me and is here for me. We are both finally at a stage in our lives where I can allow him to do that and he is actually able to do that. We have had to fight many personal battles within ourselves for us to each get to this point. And it is amazing and wonderful!
I have been taking something to see if it will cleanse my body of EBV. This stuff is on record, lab verified to have removed HIV. So, I figure I have nothing to lose. Neither HIV or EBV is supposed to ever be able to be removed from the body once you have them. If it removed one, maybe it will remove the other.
I have not been able to get lab verification, yet. I do know recent labs show its presence. Every time you have a flareup, there is a number that goes up. I need to find out the name for that number. Then I need to see what the previous number was to see if I can see any changes. Of course, that number has probably gone up since the previous test, so even if it is going down, it may not have gone down to below that number. But, at least I now have a new baseline going on from here and I know it is not gone…yet.
I am hopeful. The last few months have been a bit stressful. Not in a bad way, but stressful nonetheless. Yet, I have not been knocked flat. The tiredness I have felt has been more in line with “normalcy”. I am in my 60’s and not very physically fit. I have been very busy with life and taking courses and becoming certified (CAPRC1) and working part time. I have felt grief bubbling up (more on that in the next post). Yet, I have not crashed.
Is it the health protocol? Is it no longer hiding? I think it is both. I am hopeful and I am going to keep taking it and keep being transparent. In a few months, I plan to get retested. In the meantime, I am going to see if I can find the old labs and figure out what number it is that always goes up with each flareup. Stay tuned!