Here I sit, the emotions churning in my gut and welling up inside of me. Why? I can only guess. But I think I am a pretty good guesser. I wrote previously (elswhere) asking the question, “When do we get to grieve?” So many losses, but survival came first. So, grieving was not safe.
I can live as a survivor. I’ve done it for over 60 years. I have managed, by the grace of G-D, to keep it together and not “lose it” entirely. I have cried my share of tears while usually hiding them. No one can see. It’s not allowed. I got so used to shutting it all down, it is difficult to allow myself to show that vulnerability to anyone. And, yes, that includes my hubby, even though he gives me no reason to hide it. He loves me and he cares.
I have always known the emotions from the memory recall had to eventually hit. It will be 20 years in just a few more months. Massive visuals and very little emotions. Where are the emotions? They don’t just disappear.
No, they would hide for awhile and then try to sneak out when they thought I was not looking. And they were correct. I wasn’t. That is why I used to get blindsided, slammed as the emotions seemed to flood me from out of nowhere. Except… it isn’t nowhere. It is deep inside in the depths of my soul.
But I got used to it. I learned how to sense it coming on and would try to distract myself from it. I was partially successful. But distractions only push off the inevitable. Sooner or later, the pain will come and my body will be wracked with emotions that are trying to come through the crack in the dam I have built up for my own protection. When you are surrounded by enemies, especially ones who want your child, there is no time to grieve.
Even here, where I live now, there are enemies around me. I have to trust G-D. He has sent his angels (seen by someone else) to protect me in the past. He has led me through dangers more than once. This is no different. I must keep my eyes on Him, my ears tuned to His voice. I do not want a repeat of what happened not long after we moved here.
So, is there ever a truly safe time and place to grieve? Yes! I believe so. I believe our minds are fearfully and wonderfully made and they protect us, hiding the overwhelming horror until we are safe enough to look at it. And G-D’s Spirit, I believe, guides and directs. He brings the people, the knowledge, the hints and clues to my past at just the right times when I am ready for them.
So, I await the grief. And when it comes, I will do my best to embrace the grief, knowing it will not last forever. I will fight to not shut it down. I will fight to allow myself to become vulnerable once again, as I was created to be.