*** See below.
I am sitting here looking out my window at the newly fallen snow. It isn’t much, only about and inch and a half, but it is enough to lay a beautiful cover of white over everything.
When I open the door, I feel the coldness in the air. When I touch the snow, I feel the coldness on my hands. And when I try to touch my heart…I feel the coldness there, too.
There are some things from which we feel we will never recover. Yet, I know that G-d is my Healer and able to do all things in accordance with His will.
His will. There is the rub. We are given the freedom to walk in accordance with His will, living according to His ways, and we are also given the freedom to walk in our own ways. It is my experience that walking in my own way is never a good thing. It may look and feel good for a time, but it always ends badly. And when it does, He is there for me, to pick up the pieces and bring healing to my heart.
However, oftentimes there are external consequences that still have to be walked through. For all of us there is a loss (for a time) of intimacy with our Creator. We have chosen our own way and that brings us away from Him, like the prodigal son in the parable in Luke 15.
For some of us there is a loss (sometimes permanently) of a friendship…or even of family. It could be loss of a job or some other provision. It could be the loss of freedom, or even of life itself.
But it gets worse, for sometimes those consequences are not experienced only by us, but also by others. Our actions, walking in our ways instead of in G-d’s ways, can cause others to suffer consequences. If I lose people in my life, then they have also lost me…or at least the me I was.
Our family is experiencing the consequences of someone’s actions, someone’s choices. It is devastating to all of us and I am having a real hard time accepting what has happened. It does not line up with what I knew of this person…or at least what I thought I knew.
Trust is broken. There are losses on SO many levels. And my heart just feels cold right now. Sometimes, it seems as if I feel cold even in my physical body…as if I will never feel truly warm again. I know that is just the fluctuation in the wood stove fire, but it truly does sometimes feel as if the coldness of my heart is physical, too.
At this point, the question of why this person did this almost seems futile. It won’t change the consequences. Yet, understanding “why” can possibly make it easier to accept. NOT that it would ever become “acceptable”. That will NEVER happen. But it might become easier to accept (perhaps “adapt” is a better word) on a practical level for all of us who are so deeply hurt and wounded by this. We need to keep living life, but we will be living it differently than before all of this.
I need to adapt my life to the changes…to what is rather than to what I had hoped would be. There are some things in life that simply cannot be undone, even when every person involved wants them to be. They simply cannot.
I do know, though, that we can all experience healing in our hearts. But it will take time and, most likely, it will be a very long time. I think that most of us are not even seeing it as a possibility at all, but I know G-d is bigger than that. It is definitely something He will have to do, though, for it is beyond human ability at this point.
We, as a family, are pulling together to deal with this. That is a good thing. Some of us (I hope all of us) will draw closer as a result. I believe all of us will become stronger in the end and, at the very least, we will become wiser and more vigilant — more watchful. We will hold our loved ones closer to our hearts and cherish them even more than we ever have. We will not hold our relationships loosely for we will be ever so aware of how they might be ripped away from us unexpectedly.
There is much we will learn. What a hell of a way to learn it, though.
***Insertion: I am processing something horrific and these are my thoughts and ramblings as I work through this. I hope no one is offended by any of this and I hope no one misunderstands. What I think and feel today may change later. Part of processing and healing is working through things and that can happen in cycles. We can think we have dealt with one part of something only to have it rear its head again later. Please be patient with me as I go through this process.