Dear Mom…

Dear Mom,

Yesterday was your birthday and in three days it will be Mothers’ Day. I really wish we could have had a different kind of relationship — a healthier, more wholesome one. I truly believe that you did the best you could with what you were given. I believe that, on some level, you wanted to stop the legacy, but were too caught up in it to do so. You were too broken and too controlled. I wonder if, perhaps, you would actually be at least a little bit proud of me, of how I am today. Proud of how I have fought to break the patterns and not pass them down to my children — to your grandchildren. I hope I have succeeded.

I wish we could have had the kind of relationship where I could call you up and we could just chat about life and things happening in the world. I wish I could ask you about some of your recipes or ask about your thoughts on some things. I wish I could ask you about things I remember growing up and about places we lived.

I wish I could have called you up and asked about our relatives and family. I wish the whole family had been healthy enough that I could have actually had some kind of real connection to my distant family. I am thankful for one connection that I have now after all these years, but you never taught me HOW to have relationships with distant family. How could you? Your own relationships were filled with pain. So, I feel as if I am stumbling through this one, struggling to feel connected and wondering if I am “doing it right”.

I love you, Mom. In spite of everything, I love you. I have always loved you, even when I did not really like you  — and even when I feared you and were very angry with you. You gave me life. Thank you for that. I refuse to hold a grudge. Against you or anyone else. I have always been that way, Mom. Life is too short for that.

Sometimes, I imagine what life could have been like. I look at those around me and I see how they and their moms (and dads) (and sisters) interact. You know, Mom, sometimes it is really hard. It makes me want to cry. And as much as I really try not to, sometimes I even feel a bit jealous. In fact, I have tears flowing down my cheeks as I write this.

Mom, I truly hope that you are with Abba now. I know you had a faith, that you read your bible, that you prayed. I don’t believe in getting into denomination wars. Faith is faith and I know you had it.

And Mom…I really wish I had not allowed my fear to keep me from calling you again at the end. I wish you had responded to my emails. I don’t even know if you got them.

Everything is the way it is. I cannot change anything, but I can write to you in my own way and hope that you now know the truth about all the things that happened. Hopefully, Abba has helped you to see what was really in my heart and how I was fighting my own programming and wounds. I know you understand what I am saying.

I love you, Mom. And again, for what it is worth…I think you did the best you could with what you had. I believe that you wanted my life to be better than yours. Only G-d knows if you succeeded, but I would like to believe that you did…at least in some small way. You had your battles and I had mine. I wish they had not been some of the same battles on opposite sides, but that is where we were placed in life. I am trusting that you are in a better place now and that I will someday see you again in that place where all the brokenness is gone and we are all completely healed in body and soul.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Happy Mothers’ Day, Mom.

Oh, and I finally got it about the quarters. I am sorry for the mess up.

Shabbat Shalom — Holy

Abba…You are holy…and You call us to be holy, too.

Please help us to understand what holiness is
and what it means to be holy as You are holy.

May we carefully look in Your word
to see what YOU tell us about holiness.

May we walk in Your ways
and not in the ways of the world.

May we be purified and
may we keep our hearts purified before You.

Guide our steps that we may not turn
to the right or to the left,
but instead stay on the path You have given us to walk.

As the angels sing eternally before Your throne proclaiming
that You are holy, holy, holy…may our lives proclaim the same.

May every breath we breathe say
“holy, holy, holy is the L-rd G-d Almighty”.

May every action we take point to You as The Holy One.

You are set apart and unique in a way that
we cannot even begin to comprehend with our human minds.

Yet, You have made us in Your image
and You call us to also be set apart and unique…
different from the world around us.

We are to be dedicated to You
and to the work of Your kingdom here on earth.

May Your will be done on earth
starting with each one of us.

Teach us, Abba, through Your Ruach,
how to love You with all of our
hearts,
souls,
minds,
strengths.

Help us to love You and
to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Help us to love on another
and to celebrate Your Ruach
in each one of Your children..

Abba, I pray that we would all be
unified in Yeshua
and that we would understand
the difference between unity and uniformity.

Please bring peace to Yerushalayim,
to Yisrael
and to all who live there.

I thank You and praise You
that more and more Jews are coming to Messiah.
May they ALL come, Abba, for Your word tells us
that the Gospel is for the Jew first
and the Gentile second…
something we also see modeled by Paul in his travels.

May we never forget that You set aside a people forever
by a holy covenant without end.

May those of us who are Gentiles never forget
what and who You have grafted us into.

May we always remember that we are
grafted in.
We are not a separate tree
or a replacement tree.
We are grafted into the root of Jesse,
into the olive tree root.

Thank You for grafting us in, Abba.
What a privilege!

May we walk in holiness always,
living as children of the
Creator of the universe
should.

b’shem Yeshua

Bittersweet Times – Two Anniversaries, Two Birthdays & Mother’s Day

Life has been full and I have been busy with trying to bring our son farther forward in his education. It is time to get into more of a routine and schedule, something we have all been without for so long. On top of that, we recently celebrated some important days.

One is an anniversary of 18 years of marriage. It has been an amazing journey and one of no looking back! Two days after that was my birthday, which is also the anniversary of my younger sister’s death 11 years ago. Coming up is my mother’s birthday and, of course…Mother’s Day. Add to that the fact that I found out in March that my mother died over a year ago. Yes, it was a bit of a shock. I did try to reach out to her, but it did not work out very well. It is a long story.

I still have questions about the odd circumstances surrounding my sister’s death, which is typical of a cult family. Coming from a family like mine also makes parental birthdays and parental holidays difficult. As a parent, I don’t like to have to deal with the parent holidays because I am so aware of my many shortcomings as a mother. As a daughter, I don’t like parent holidays because I want to honor my parents while still maintaining my integrity. It can be a very difficult balancing act. I no longer have to deal with my mother and, as for my father…well, that is a whole other story.

I share this not for pity. I know I am in the hands of the Creator. I have found a lot of healing in my life through Yeshua. Yes, I can still feel pain and, yes, I have some more grieving to do. But that is life and Yeshua walks with me through it all. He walked me through grieving what was and through grieving what was not. He also walked me through grieving what will never be with my sister and now with my mother.

Life is good. Not because of anything necessarily happening in it or anything I have, but because I know the Creator of all things. It is good because I realize how dark my soul has been and how undeserving of any good thing I truly am; yet I am so aware of how very blessed I am. I have been forgiven and cleansed of all my wrongdoing…of all my failings. There is no comparable experience to walking with the Messiah and knowing I am so loved by my heavenly Abba. To know that His arms are around me and holding me up is an amazing thing. To know His grace is beyond description.

I hope that you, too, know the Creator. I hope that you, too, have found forgiveness in His Son the Messiah Yeshua. I hope that you, too, know the amazing love of Abba.

Shabbat Shalom — She Conceives

Abba…I thank You for all You have done in my life
and in the lives of all who read here
and all I know and love.

Some things have been hard and some have been easy,
but through all of them You have been at work,
molding,
shaping,
maturing
and conceiving Your Ruach/Spirit within us.

You have been transforming us
and renewing our minds
and our lives.

You have been conforming us to
the image of Your Son,
Yeshua.

I rejoice over all You have done
and over all You are doing.

You have never left us or forsaken us
even in the trials where we began to wonder,
where we did not understand what You were doing.

There were times, Abba, when
You allowed us to see Your hand
in the current circumstances of our lives.

There were other times when You
allowed us to look back later
and see Your hand at work.

Most of the time, though,
You work in silence.

I believe, Abba, that it is in the silence
that You are the closest to us.
I believe that You are so close
that You breathe in our rhythm
so that we can not discern Your breathing
separate from our own.
You share our steps
and our footprints
so that we cannot see Your presence.
Your hand works with ours
so that the two are indistinguishable.
You move so closely within us
that we cannot not see You.

Abba, I praise You.
I adore You.
I worship You.
I bow down before You.
You alone are truly worthy of any praise.
All we have is from You.
All we do is because of You.
All we are is Your handiwork.

You are our heavenly Abba/Father/Daddy,
yet You are also the Mighty, All-Powerful Creator of the universe.
We run to You as Your children
and bow down to You as Your servants.

Thank You for the work of Messiah,
Yeshua, the L-rd of lords and King of kings!

May we love You with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strengths.
May we love our neighbors as ourselves.
May we love one another.

May peace come to Yerushalayim,
to Israel
and to all Your people.

May the Light of Mashiach
shine upon all people
until they accept Him as Your True Son!

b’shem Yeshua

Shabbat Shalom — You Care

Abba…You care about us.You care about the details of our lives.

I thank You that nothing escapes Your eye.

You know all that is going on with us,
what is in our lives,
what is in our hearts,
our thoughts.

You know our mountains
and our valleys.

You know our ups
and our downs.

You know our sadness
and our joy.

You always walk with us,
for which I am very grateful.
What would we do without You?

Abba, please touch us all.

Keep our feet upon the path
of Your ways.

Keep us true to You
and to Your Word.

Hold us close to Your heart
and comfort us in times of grieving.

Heal us, Abba, with Your healing Shalom.

Strengthen us.

Give us Your wisdom.

Help us to love You with all of our hearts,
all of our souls,
all of our minds,
all of our strengths.

Help us to love our neighbor as ourselves.

Help us to love one another.

May we bless You and thank You
for blessing us.

b’shem Yeshua

You Know You Have a True Friendship if…

You know you have a true friendship if…

…your heart skips a beat when you hear they are coming to town and you find yourself dancing around.

…you want to run to them with a hug as soon as you hear them or see them.

…it is not a hassle or work to prepare for their visit…it’s a joy.

…when you hear the visit is going to be short, you cry…and then are grateful for ANY time at all that you can get with them.

…they have walked you through some tough stuff…and they STILL want to be your friend!

…the love and unity you have far exceeds any differences.

…the love is unconditional.

…you feel as if your time together has made you a better person.

…you can gab away because there is so much you wish you could share…and they are patient.

…you can ask challenging questions and they understand why.

…the sharing is easy and free.

…you can melt in their hugs from the love.

…you are crying inside when you have to say “goodbye”.

…they tell you that you have really blessed them, but you feel as if the lion’s share of blessing came from them to you.

…you are praying for another visit to come soon…and be longer.

Todah Rabah, Steve and Shirley. You were missed before you came. You are missed even now and you always will be until we see you again. You are always welcome here at Beit-Shalom!

Yom Hoshoah – Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day

Here are links to some articles on the Holocaust, on Yom Hoshoah and on the Israeli people. We need to remember. We need to never forget.

We need to make sure it NEVER, EVER, EVER happens again!!!

Haunting and Poignant Poster Marks Holocaust

Rivlin: We May Never Know All the Names

Helen Cazès ben Attar: Portrait of an Unknown Holocaust Heroine

‘I speak the uncomfortable truth to the world,’ Netanyahu says

Bowing our heads in respect

Caring for survivors

Israel observes moment of silence in memory of Holocaust victims

We will never forget

WATCH: ‘The Auschwitz Album’ – visual evidence of mass murder

A note from beyond the grave

UN to mark Holocaust Remembrance Day for first time    (It’s about time!!!!)

Baking Passover Matzah in Israel

For an article to accompany the video go here.

Adventures in Baking Bread

Just sharing some photos of some of my bread making. This is the dough…

for these loaves. As you can see, I am still working on the braiding!

I also have difficulty with the top braid sliding off the bottom braid!

Another batch.

This is from today. Four loaves raising in the pans under the cloths.

Just starting to raise.

Just in the oven.

And here they are out of the oven! Mmmmmmm! So tasty with Amish butter!

Catching Up with Israel…

I feel it is important to keep an eye on what is going on in Israel and with the Hebrew/Jewish people all through the world. They are still the apple of G-d’s eye.

Here are some stories dealing with the Holocaust and life today. If we don’t pay attention, it is going to happen all over again.

Stories of Six Survivors who will Represent Six Million

Waking Up to the Lessons of the Holocaust

On defending yourself against an attacker:

“We’ve Gone Mad” Says Leading Pundit

MK Orbach: Eisner Story Overhyped Because He’s Religious

IDF Lt. Col. Eisner: The Mission Comes Before Looking Good

On the safety of journalists:

Columbia Journalism Review’s Anti-Israel Lies Exposed

The ongoing war in Israel:

Hamas War on Israel: 1,100 Missiles a Year